Immersion Worship

When Rhonda and I got married, we wrote our own vows. The occasion was (obviously) something we wanted to get right and we wanted the opportunity to put in to our vows the words that expressed the true commitments we were making to each other. I remember we spent a couple of evenings together drafting and redrafting. It was a big deal.

One of the vows we made is concerning the way we speak and think to each other and about each other…

I promise to always build you up, and never tear you down

That’s a pretty bold statement to make, in my opinion, because it takes a lot of work. It’s easy to build my wife up when things are good, but when the chips are down and tensions are high, it takes some work.

This coin, though, is not one sided. By that I mean that it’s not just about what Rhonda and I say and think to each other and about each other, but a significant chunk of solidifying this vow is also in making a decision about how we perceive the other person’s words, actions, and tone.

For example, sometimes I can be short in my words or distant in my demeanour if I’ve had a day at work that I’d soon forget. I can get home tired and cranky and literally have nothing left to give in response to the welcome home from my wife. My intention is not to push Rhonda away or be mean and ungrateful, but my lack of words, perhaps my tone, and my actions are not matching up with how grateful my heart really is.

Rhonda can perceive that in two ways. She can either take offense because I’m not being my usual joyous self and appear ungrateful when I’m really not, or she can trust me that I’m not tearing her down and I’ve just had a bad day. Her response can often dictate how the next few hours are going to go, and by believing that I’m not seeking to tear her down and reacting accordingly, that builds me up and gets me out of the funk. And this works both ways. When Rhonda is stressed out about something, her characteristic responses have the potential to offend me, but I choose to believe that she doesn’t want to tear me down, she’s just having a hard time and it’s my job to build her up again.

The reason why I’m blogging about this is because I’m starting to translate this behaviour to others around me at work and at church; giving the benefit of the doubt to someone when I feel attacked. Obviously the goals are different; I don’t want someone building me up when the focus should be building the ministry up or building momentum in a project at work, but I’m finding that I’m far less pessimistic concerning combative situations at church and at work. This carries a massive danger of getting burned - benefit of the doubt is not always healthy - but I’m starting to understand that when a combative situation is defused by simply believing for the best of intentions, the threat of the divide is quickly neutralized.

When have you experienced a positive reaction in a negative situation, and how has it helped?